Thanks for reading my introductory email yesterday. This is my first “real” post, the Wednesday post. Next one is due Friday and I’m hoping to write on productivity. Today the focus is on the mind. I hope you enjoy it.
—
If being calm and confident in any situation is a goal, there is one great big, age-old cornerstone to build those qualities on; kindness.
It just doesn’t seem possible to have confidence in yourself or your plans if you have bad intentions towards others, or if you’re expecting others to act unkindly towards you. It’ll force you to live in doubt and uncertainty of reactions, always second guessing. It’s so much simpler and less tiresome to start from kindness.
But there are nuances to “being kind”, and it’s not always a walk in the park.
When kindness is a challenge
How do you not react unkindly when someone is aggressive or mean towards you? Is “turning the other cheek” really being kind, or are you doing yourself a disservice?
Tiredness, provocation, illness, times after hearing repeated bad news. These are when we are at our lowest ebb. When being kind is much harder than being unkind. And sometimes it feels fully justified to be unkind to someone. But the echo of unkindness can be heard for quite some time after.
Good deeds never leave home, bad ones echo a thousand miles
- Chinese proverb
Perhaps surpressing anger and unkind thoughts can end up being a net negative over time. This could be true. But consider what is causing the unhappiness and if it can be stopped without unkind behaviour. Telling someone they aren’t being kind can be enough. Moving away from the situation can be enough. Accepting that displeasing events occur randomly and anywhere in the universe and that while you shouldn’t have to move away from them, sometimes that’s the easiest and least damaging solution.
But aside from those edge cases, which we should be able to put a stop to peacefully, it is worth considering that many people only act unkindly as a defence mechanism. It could come from living and working with people who step on each other to get by in life, to make themselves feel better for a moment. You can imagine in those cases that it feels seemingly inescapable and could easily lead to a downward spiral.
So while being unkind can be a shortcut to material gain, sometimes in split-second decisions like reacting poorly to others in the moment, sometimes over years where people are constantly unkind to bring someone else down or themselves up, it’s really a case of reflecting on whether that’s the life you want to lead. If the material or egotistical gains will make up for the acts.
In destroying your enemy, you destroy yourself
- C. T. Rinpoche
Is being neutral an easier solution?
Perhaps pure neutrality would be a good starting point, neither wishing good or bad on others or yourself. It avoids the problem of having to decide, and allows you to act rather independently.
The only snag I see is in allowing misfortune to land on others. You could still help out, in a rational desire to see normality restored, but you might miss out on the benefits of being more generous.
Your self-belief might shrink and retire if you act in your own self-interest all the time. It’s easy to forget what makes us who we are when we don’t hold ourselves up to the mirror of other people. The risk of it being counter-productive for a more fulfilled self rules it out at first glance.
Applying it to your sphere
Aside from those trickier cases above, which need particular attention, kindness can be applied freely to your own projects and plans.
I’ve heard numerous reports of people who give away their time and knowledge and end up being very well received and sometimes even well compensated. Business often discourages kindness, forcing people to protect their works and guard them obsessively. Creative Commons and Free and Open Source Software is a step towards unpicking that.
What I find astonishing is that most of the internet, from routers to datacenters, runs on free software. Many of those who made this software were not fairly compensated, yet it’s out there and it’s helping to improve the lives of billions of people. Even while internet companies protect their own assets, they happily take others’ where law permits. There are many, thankfully, who contribute back to these projects fairly, so the model just about works economically, but it could certainly do with some level of reform.
Consider a license like those mentioned above for your works, which protect but also freely share your creations. Or protect it until its useful lifecycle is over, say, 5 years, and then apply the open licenses to allow more people access.
Being kind to yourself
If you’re struggling with motivation, low mood, low energy, being kind to yourself could involve taking yourself out for a walk or jog. Or, less energetically, giving yourself a pick-me-up reward and taking the pressure off yourself. Doing something to make yourself laugh. Looking upon your situation compassionately. Telling yourself it’s OK, working out how you got to this point, and what you can start to do to reverse it. Whether that’s external or internal help. Treat yourself like you would someone else in that situation. Reach out a hand. Once you’re back on track, you can continue doing the same for others.
How to cultivate it daily
Try to think in terms of win-win in all situations.
Disagree openly with people being unkind - this is being kind to yourself also.
Protect and defend yourself in those edge cases where humans have lost control of their better judgement, but as little as possible, preferring to move away where possible.
Don’t obsess about your projects and plans, remember the people in your life need time and love too. As you do yourself. So be sure to switch off and block out time for that separately.
Some studies suggest that we have evolved to be inherently kind, on the whole, as a survival mechanism - if true, we can rely on our natural leanings to be kind when opportunities arise. What will still need addressing is learned unkindness, where we think it’s OK to be unkind. Those situations might be worth noting.
Perhaps most importantly, being kind not in actions, but in thought. This can cultivate a habit and ingrain the kindness more deeply. Wish someone well every day. This can also brings you out of yourself and focuses you back on others.
Final thoughts
One struggle I’ll probably have with this newsletter is trying not to come across as preachy. I’m definitely writing as much for myself as I am for you. If I can follow the theory in practice, I’ll have better spent my sliver of time on planet earth.
The overarching point of this post, which I hope I got across, was that if we manage to deal with lapses in kindness and remember to treat ourselves and others kindly, then we can build quite a considerable amount of trust in ourselves. We can build our self-confidence. We can see when situations are derailing and use kindness to bring them back on track. We will have more conviction in our actions and opinions if we know they are founded on compassionate and considered motives.
This is the starting point.
善良的心
Shànliáng de xīn
(Kind hearted)
Excellent Post! I resonate with what you said that being kind is much simpler and less tiresome. It takes too much energy when you live your life always on your toes because you are defensive. I think we can live better lives if we are just kind. But being kind to others definitely begins at the starting point; being kind to ourselves. We can't give what we don't have. Gary Vaynerchuk has been preaching consistently that kindness always wins. Kindness is not being too passive and submissive. It's knowing that you assert yourself but in a way that doesn't hurt others.
Keep up your writing! Will definitely follow.